Monday, May 13, 2013

Holding On and Letting Go

So as not to be accused of plagiarism, I want to be very up front and say the inspiration AND title for this post came from a sermon series by Philip Gulley (check out philipgulley.org).  It's one of those resources that has been helping me through the grieving process.

Yesterday was a difficult day. It was Mother's Day...and while it was never a huge celebration for us, I always took flowers to Mom. We usually went out to eat. And of course, she wasn't here for even this small type of celebration. Yup...it was a difficult day. It didn't help that it was COLD here in central Indiana and the plans we had made to keep my mind off the day were based on being outside. Being the wimp that I am, and not having a winter coat with me, the Dude and I opted to change the plans. This left me alone with more of my memories and thoughts.

I'm realizing grief is really a process of holding on and letting go. It's sorting through things...and consciously deciding what stays and what goes. When we cleaned out the house, we had to think about who wanted to keep what; what would be of use to someone else not present for the cleaning process; what could go to Goodwill; and what would find its way into the trash. Fortunately my sister and I agreed on how to split the things. We had promised Mom we WOULD NOT FIGHT and we didn't. We are holding on to each other. This is a good thing.

The Dude and I have been looking at houses together. We are looking toward the future. We are working on logistics...as my job involves travel throughout the state and the ability to work a good amount from home, I do not have to remain where I am. I bought my current residence while going through a divorce. My house has four bedrooms and is located within the school system my daughters had attended for most of their educations. Both daughters live quite some distance from me now. There is no need to hold on to this house.

On the other hand, moving from here will be letting go of a life I had with my mom. She moved here to help me during and after my divorce. I spent many evenings with her having dinner and walking the trail in her neighborhood. We would often go shopping together. Her house is for sale and while I want it to sell, I fear letting go as if somehow this will sever me from her even more.

The intangibles are much more difficult to determine what stays and what goes. I want to let go of the memories of her final week; of watching her struggle; of the entire year of cancer. I want to hold on to the memories of meals shared; of special occasions; of vacations and card games. I want to hold on to "DeKockisms"...the things that seem so normal in our family but for others. (Brown sugar on rice comes to mind...) Unfortunately, that first list of memories seems dominant in my brain right now. It's work to wade through those and come to the happier memories.

If I had a pat answer to the things with which I struggle, I would gladly share them. I tell myself to hold on to the good memories of Mom; my relationships with my sister, aunts, cousins and friends; the job I love; the Dude; my pets. I tell myself to let go of the house; the things; and above all, the negative memories and the tears.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. It's a day late, but I love you just the same.