Friday, August 16, 2013

The Dry Drunk Syndrome and Motivation

Recently I was speaking with a counselor type person who compared overeating and thoughts about weight to that of a "dry drunk". If you're not familiar with the concept, a "dry drunk" is an alocholic who is not drinking. Now I know I'm not the first person to hear how overeating is related to addictions--think "Overeaters Annonymous"--but this dry drunk analogy really gave me pause.

 Why does an alcoholic stop drinking? Initially, it is probably because there is a threat associated with continued drinking. Stop drinking because the court ordered you to mandatory testing after that DUI. Stop drinking because the spouse said "I'm leaving you if you don't..." Stop drinking because the job performance has suffered and you're on probation. So the alcoholic stops drinking, but resentment grows. The alcoholic doesn't have the problem...those around the alcoholic do. "The judge doesn't realize it was just a one time shot at a party. I don't usually drive after I've had a few". "She is just uptight. She'll see that I can do this!" "Stupid boss. I he had to live with what I have to live with he would have a couple at lunch too!"

 Realistically, what is likely to happen to this dry drunk? The motivation to stop is strong and present. There are pretty significant consequences for continuing the past behaviors. But without ownership and a mind shift toward personal benefit and change in habit and lifestyle, the dry drunk is oh so likely to become a wet drunk once again. It's just a matter to time.

 And so it goes with overeating and not exercising. I can't count how many different weight loss methods and programs I have done over the years. I'm a lifetime member of Weight Watchers and have been since 1988. Yet I weigh more now than I did when I started that program for the first time! Some of the programs were effective; some weren't. My success in the programs often depended on my motivation and how long that motivation would last. I would hear all the things about lifestyle changes; not being on a diet; and how our relationship to food is a factor in continued "success". I would often begin the program with an almost religious fervor and stick to the "rules" like a fanatic. I would be rewarded with a lower number on the scale, a smaller size of clothing, compliments from those around me. But eventually the high would end. I would stop journaling. I wouldn't keep an appointment with the weight loss center. I would be the queen of excuses.

Case in point--two years ago I lost nearly fifty pounds. Then my mom was diagnosed with cancer, my daughter placed my grandson for adoption (I had guardianship and was caring for him) and I was going through some significant struggles in my relationship with the Dude. I maintained the loss through some of the initial pieces of this, and then I went to Ireland for two weeks. I never returned to the program that had been so helpful. As Mom's cancer progressed, food became her enemy. She was losing weight at incredible speed, and food was everywhere around her house all in an effort to entice her to eat. As she lost, I gained. Chalk it up to the stress. Chalk it up to comfort food. Chalk it up to whatever I wanted to say--I gained the fifty pounds and then some!

So now I find myself journaling, exercising, and enjoying the support of the Dude. Nearly 20 pounds down, I'm seeing "success". On what piece am I now focusing? This is a toughie. I'm trying to focus my thoughts away from resentment and frustration and anger with myself. Resentment--"Why wasn't I blessed with the genes my sister inherited that makes her tall and thin instead of short and fat?" Frustration--"My thin clothes aren't fitting again!" Anger--"I look awful. I can't believe I can't keep off the weight. IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!"

As a therapist I've preached the power of cognitive or rational emotive therapy for years. Thoughts impact feelings and behaviors. Feelings impact thoughts and behaviors. Behaviors impact feelings and thoughts. Change the thoughts and the other pieces will fall into place. Have I practiced what I preach in this area of my life? Not so much. Clearly there is work to do. But that's my new focus.