Recently I was speaking with a counselor type person who compared
overeating and thoughts about weight to that of a "dry drunk". If you're
not familiar with the concept, a "dry drunk" is an alocholic who is not
drinking. Now I know I'm not the first person to hear how overeating is
related to addictions--think "Overeaters Annonymous"--but this dry
drunk analogy really gave me pause.
Why does an alcoholic stop
drinking? Initially, it is probably because there is a threat associated
with continued drinking. Stop drinking because the court ordered you to
mandatory testing after that DUI. Stop drinking because the spouse said
"I'm leaving you if you don't..." Stop drinking because the job
performance has suffered and you're on probation. So the alcoholic stops
drinking, but resentment grows. The alcoholic doesn't have the
problem...those around the alcoholic do. "The judge doesn't realize it
was just a one time shot at a party. I don't usually drive after I've
had a few". "She is just uptight. She'll see that I can do this!"
"Stupid boss. I he had to live with what I have to live with he would
have a couple at lunch too!"
Realistically, what is likely to
happen to this dry drunk? The motivation to stop is strong and present.
There are pretty significant consequences for continuing the past
behaviors. But without ownership and a mind shift toward personal
benefit and change in habit and lifestyle, the dry drunk is oh so likely
to become a wet drunk once again. It's just a matter to time.
And
so it goes with overeating and not exercising. I can't count how many
different weight loss methods and programs I have done over the years.
I'm a lifetime member of Weight Watchers and have been since 1988. Yet I
weigh more now than I did when I started that program for the first
time! Some of the programs were effective; some weren't. My success in
the programs often depended on my motivation and how long that
motivation would last. I would hear all the things about lifestyle
changes; not being on a diet; and how our relationship to food is a
factor in continued "success". I would often begin the program with an
almost religious fervor and stick to the "rules" like a fanatic. I would
be rewarded with a lower number on the scale, a smaller size of
clothing, compliments from those around me. But eventually the high
would end. I would stop journaling. I wouldn't keep an appointment with
the weight loss center. I would be the queen of excuses.
Case in
point--two years ago I lost nearly fifty pounds. Then my mom was
diagnosed with cancer, my daughter placed my grandson for adoption (I
had guardianship and was caring for him) and I was going through some
significant struggles in my relationship with the Dude. I maintained the
loss through some of the initial pieces of this, and then I went to
Ireland for two weeks. I never returned to the program that had been so
helpful. As Mom's cancer progressed, food became her enemy. She was
losing weight at incredible speed, and food was everywhere around her
house all in an effort to entice her to eat. As she lost, I gained.
Chalk it up to the stress. Chalk it up to comfort food. Chalk it up to
whatever I wanted to say--I gained the fifty pounds and then some!
So
now I find myself journaling, exercising, and enjoying the support of
the Dude. Nearly 20 pounds down, I'm seeing "success". On what piece am I
now focusing? This is a toughie. I'm trying to focus my thoughts away
from resentment and frustration and anger with myself. Resentment--"Why
wasn't I blessed with the genes my sister inherited that makes her tall
and thin instead of short and fat?" Frustration--"My thin clothes aren't
fitting again!" Anger--"I look awful. I can't believe I can't keep off
the weight. IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!"
As a therapist I've preached the
power of cognitive or rational emotive therapy for years. Thoughts
impact feelings and behaviors. Feelings impact thoughts and behaviors.
Behaviors impact feelings and thoughts. Change the thoughts and the
other pieces will fall into place. Have I practiced what I preach in
this area of my life? Not so much. Clearly there is work to do. But
that's my new focus.