A Mom Tribute

When doing social histories as part of the home study process, I have the opportunity to ask people to describe their parents and tell me what values they learned from them. Since I adopted my children 18 years ago, I can't remember what I said. I've been thinking about that one a great deal lately and now seems to be as good of a time as any to give that answer again.

Let's see...to throw out some adjectives that describe my mom...I would have to say she is strong, opinionated, determined, competitive, generous, loving, thrifty and hard working. When I say strong, she has always been physically strong and even more emotionally and morally strong. As for the physical strength, a year ago she was hiking in the Superstition Mountains of Arizona. That she had an undiagnosed and unknown of lung tumor did not deter her. She walked the trail in her neighborhood daily. She had gym membership that was more than a card--she actually used the thing. As for morally, Mom always seemed to know the right thing to do and encouraged me to do the same. Not that she was always successful, but she very much wanted my sister and I to learn from her mistakes. Mom lived as a widow for 18 years. She admitted to times of loneliness, but was adamant that it was better to be alone than to find someone "less than" and be unhappy. 

Opinionated. Oh, Lord, is she opinionated. She comes by this naturally. The family calls it the DeKock gene, and when all the DeKock sisters are together nothing is sacred. Those women don't beat around the bush. Not that all the sisters agree on things, and share the same opinions. But they do feel the need to share them. 

Determined. Mom is and always has been a goal setter. Get things done! This ties into the hard working piece as well. Mom enjoyed recreation time--she played golf, cards, walked, shopped and read books, but never until the house was clean and the check book balanced. After my Dad passed away, Mom decided it was time to go back to school and she earned an associate's degree. Once the degree was earned, she was done. Goal reached. No need for a bachelor's.

Competitive. Not necessarily is she competitive in sports, but she was very competitive in things in which she could excel. I remember when she had to take a CPR class for work. She aced the test, and was impressed with herself that she could do this. When she went back to school, she was on the Dean's list. She wanted to make better grades than those around her. She loved to play cards, and she loved to win. I remember her talking about playing the game Hearts with her grandmother. The object in this game is to NOT get the Queen of Spades...the Mariah. Mom says her grandmother would never play the Mariah on her as Mom was her "favorite". Mom taught me how to play Hearts, and I somehow don't recall her being quite so kind with me. She never hesitated to play the winning card. Recently Mom, my sister and myself taught the significant dude to play Euchre. We agreed we would play an open hand as a teaching hand. Wouldn't you know, I was the dealer and Mom was to my left. I dealt her a loaner hand...did we count that hand even if it was a teaching, open hand? Do you really have to ask? Of course we did. I'm not even going to discuss who won the entire game.

Generous. Now this flies in the face of her thriftiness, but Mom was always generous with her time, abilities and money. This is part of this opinionated piece...sometimes the gifts had strings in that you had to hear her opinion about the need for the gift, but it was always given. The Hebron Music Boosters used to do annual cake walks as fund raisers. As my sister and I were eight years apart in school, this meant 16 straight years of baking cakes for the band. She was a gracious host to her women's circle at church. She wanted to make certain the grandchildren and great-grandchildren had gifts at the designated times, (birthdays, Christmas and graduation) but she also had just because gifts. 

Loving. My dad was a very quiet, non-demonstrative man who seldom said "I love you" until he got sick with ALS. But Mom has always been the typical nurturing mother, quick to show love with words, hugs, gifts and food. When reason I am so sad about losing her is that I know I will be losing my biggest advocate and best friend.

Thrifty. As a child of the Depression, she was thrifty. She was into reduce and reuse long before it was fashionable. Going out to eat was not always fun, because heaven help you if you ordered an iced tea, glass of pop, or alcohol. Do you know how much those cost? Do you know what the mark-up is on those? Water. Drink water. It's free. It does not matter if you get free refills. Water. 

Hard working. My grandparents were also hard working, with Grandma having designated days to do specific chores. Her daughters were expected to help with these. My grandfather ran a store. Mom states it was expected from the age of 14 each daughter would help in the store. Mom worked at the local school, bank and telephone company before she retired. She was in the bank during two robberies. She now laughs she left the bank because they would not give her a .25 per hour raise. That was when she went to the telephone company. As if these things were not enough, Mom took her own housekeeping chores very seriously. Saturday mornings were work mornings at our house. The kitchen floor would be scrubbed, the bathroom scrubbed and the rest of the house dusted and vacuumed. She would wash walls and baseboards with great regularity. Windows were also cleaned, and the lawn (with the help of my dad) was kept tidy.

As the baby of the family, I have to say I am less opinionated and forthright than my Mom and my sister. In writing this, I've decided that's not quite a true statement. I am every bit as opinionated as my Mom and sister, but probably less forthright. In general my personality tends to be more relaxed. As a professional social worker, I've learned when to employ a bit of tact. (Not to say Mom is not tactful, but sometimes that DeKock gene just springs out.) I'm not as hard working. My walls and baseboards do not get scrubbed unless I am painting or moving. I'm certainly not as thrifty--I gladly get whatever I want to drink when we go out. 

But I like to think I have inherited her generosity and loving spirit. I hope I have nurtured my children well. Mom was a strong proponent of higher education, and I have a love of reading, learning and an earned Master's degree. I try to do the right thing in terms of my family and community. 

I am proud to be the daughter of Mary Elizabeth Stiles.

(At the Channel Marker restaurant in Syracuse, Indiana on Lake Wawasee.  One of the rare times she broke down and ordered wine in a restaurant--but she had to have ice in it.)