Distinctive Parallels...Infancy and Old Age

So I know this is not a new or unique thought, but a year ago at this time I was caring for my grandson who was not yet a year old. During this illness with my mother I have been struck by the number of similarities between infancy and old age.

For example, newborn babies often have their days and nights confused. It takes concerted work to convince the newborn that night is night and day is day. The nice thing about babies is they can be cuddled and placed in a swing, bouncy seat or crib. If worse comes to worse, the baby can be placed in a car seat and taken on a ride in the car. Some elderly or dying people also can have their days and nights confused. Ever since Mom has been diagnosed with cancer, she has wanted to shower at earlier and earlier hours. When she was relatively stable and steady on her feet, this was not a problem. It became a problem early this morning (3:30 a.m. to be exact...and is that this morning or last night?) when Mom frantically began taking off her clothing and wanted a shower. With a great deal of convincing and tugging on her walker, I managed to get her back to bed. She then decided it was time for breakfast. Mean daughter that I was, I refused to let her out of bed to teeter into the kitchen. For all my efforts, she asked in a cry..."Why are you punishing me?" How do you explain to someone with a disease inhibiting her thought process that I am trying to keep her safe?

Of course, what advice to people give new moms for this situation? Yes, that's it. "Sleep when the baby sleeps". So it is with Mom. My advice for hospice caregivers is to "Sleep when the patient sleeps". Yesterday, I was taking my own advice. Mom was asleep on the couch, and I was asleep in a very comfy blue chair. Unfortunately, the next thing I knew there was a tug on my foot, and there she was. Mom was on her knees at the base of the footstool, trying to wake me up. Fortunately, the couch is low to the ground so she did not fall. It was, however, a shock to my system!

Then there is core strength...you know...your abdominal muscles. Babies develop these and then are able to do such things as roll over, sit up, and eventually pull themselves up to walk. I remember so clearly when my little guy grandson was learning to roll over. We had gone to Florida for Thanksgiving and traveled by car with my mom. Of course, this was pre-cancer diagnosis days. At any rate, after being in the car seat all day, Little Guy would love to stretch and practice throwing his legs over to one side. And he was such as mimic! Mom would lie on the bed beside him and hold her legs in the air. Little Guy would look at her and put his legs in the air. Mom and I would joke and talk about "doing abs". I certainly hadn't anticipated that memory coming back to me as I was lifting Mom's legs into the bed because she didn't have the strength to do it herself.

When babies learn to walk, their balance is not great. Falls are anticipated and encouraged. We all know that every baby will fall in his quest to walk. It takes confidence to walk. Babies come equipped with a padded tushy and are low to the ground. A fall is not devastating. Contrast that with the frail elderly person. A fall for someone who is compromised because of age or illness is potentially beyond devastating. There is often no padding anywhere. And there is no confidence. The skill of walking employed for 80 years or so, is no more. Both babies and elders can use walkers...and in the case of Little Guy and Mom it has often been the same walker. Both have the distinction of pulling this walker down on top of them. Little Guy was easier to soothe.

Let's not forget negotiating the odd. Children see what they want and will bargain with their parents to get what they think they want or need. When my children were in elementary school, Pokemon cards were introduced for the first time. Beanie Babies were the fad. Now we have gone through the crazy bands and trashies. How is a parent supposed to know what these things are for--much less how many to get? Yesterday I found myself bargaining with my mom for tissues. She wanted ten of them. I asked her why she needed them. The answer was "just give me five. I'll just take five". I still don't know what for what she wanted them.

So I will close with the similarities in communication. For me, this is the saddest of all, and as I write Mom is losing her ability to communicate with us. Babies are able to learn to make their needs known. Eventually, the develop speech. In the beginning stages of speech, it is usually only the parents who understand what the precious little one is saying. Gradually, the child is able to learn to speak clearly and develop a greater vocabulary. As Mom has declined, I have had a more difficult time in understanding what she is saying. But it is more clear to me than to others. She has retreated into herself, something the hospice folks assure me is quite normal.

To summarize, the biggest difference is that the strides the infant makes are eagerly anticipated.  They are wanted. They are often tracked with amazing attention to detail. They mean the child is on his way to a full and glorious life. For the elderly and dying, the declines are more often dreaded. They are not seen as a celebration of what is to come...they are seen as the completion of a life already lived. Yet I hold to my faith, which tells me these declines are the indicators of a coming birth...the birth into the next life. In this life, there will be no more tears. Her body will be whole, as will her spirit. And I will miss her...but one day I will be reunited with her as well.