On Faith and Dying

This is one of those really difficult posts to write... not because Mom has passed away, but because she has not. A week ago I was certain the end was only days away. But she is still here. I'm grateful she's here...I'm grateful for every moment I have with her because I realize they are few, and will continue to dwindle.

It's been a truly difficult week. While I was sleeping on the couch, just feet away, Mom was able to pull herself out of the hospital bed. I did not hear her efforts...until I heard the sickening thud on the hardwood floor. Mom was turned around so that her head was where her feet at been, knees drawn up and total confusion on her face. Of course, panic, not clear headedness set in. I roused my sister who left her husband sleeping. Between us we turned her around and lifted her in bed. Did we LOWER the hospital bed? No. Did we think to rouse the brother-in-law? Of course not. We did call hospice, and made certain no injury had occurred. So the next day, the nurse came out. He was impressed that Mom was able to have actually bent the rail of the hospital bed. After conferring with the physician, it was decided we should use her port and give her medications continuously.

Not a bad idea, we all think. Until the medication is going and the nurse is gone and Mom decides she is GOING HOME. Not only was she not home in her own mind, we were holding her back from getting home. If you think you are being held hostage, you might try to hit your captors too. And so it was.

After talking with the nurse who assured us she would become more calm as the medication went through her system. The nurse also said that people often die as they live...those who are very active in life have an active dying process. It is harder for them to let go.

In the midst of this, I had a total meltdown. I cried and cried. I was afraid to go home, even though there were several people there with Mom at her house. I was not present when my dad died, and while it's not an "active" regret, it's a regret nonetheless. (It's 18 years later and I still remember that.) As my sister tried to reason with me, I did recognize the difference between rational thought and total irrationality. I do understand that when my mom finally releases herself into the hands of her creator, there is a good chance I will be asleep. I may be present in her house, but not with her as it happens. Perhaps she will be asleep also, and just slip away.

This has really led me to question God. I know Mom wants to see her parents, sister and husband. I know she wants to see Jesus. She has fought the cancer for a long time. Why has God allowed her to continue to inhabit this body? Why the fall? Why the lashing out at those she loves? When will this end?

The answer came to me from the significant dude, and whether it is true or not, it makes sense to me. He simply said "Maybe God doesn't want to bring her into heaven kicking and screaming."  Hmmm. I argued with this. What about ending her suffering? What about the fall? Doesn't God care even about the sparrow that falls and know the number of hairs on our heads? The dude pointed out that she is leaving this body behind. We are assured she will have a new body that is whole and complete and has no flaws or illness. The pain that she is in is controlled by a cocktail of pain relievers and anxiety reducers. God is still working on her soul. He is also working on my soul, and on those of everyone around her.

I do not like change. It is a constant in life. It is a constant in the workplace. It is a constant among friends, churches, communities...but most of us do not like it. We accept it because we must.  Most people with whom I speak regarding adoption voice fear of the unknown in the process, as well as not being able to control the process. And so it is with the change from life to death. We do not know what is on the other side of the veil because we have not seen nor experienced it for ourselves. We cannot control the process of dying. We have been told by people who have had near death experiences what they encountered. We have heard the scientific rationale for those experiences. We have thousands of years of religious teachings. And from those religious teachings, we have the Bible. And that is where I must rest my questions. I have encountered the living Christ and believe in Him wholeheartedly. I have recited the Apostle's Creed (and while not found in the Bible, based on Biblical tenants and the experience of early saints) and I believe in the things it says. I believe that like the thief on the cross, I will be in "paradise"--or alongside God--when I die. And for my mother, I believe that she will be a part of the "communion of saints" and will be with her mother, father, sister and husband. More importantly, I believe she will be with God--in the form of the Trinity....Father/Son/Holy Spirit. And I believe that she will go willingly...she will let go of this life, this body, all the things that attach her to this world...and enter into the presence of her Creator. There will be a party for her...with a sign over her that reads "Love".

Until then, I will continue to pray. I will continue to pray I can let her go with confidence...even when my tears blind me. I will continue to pray with the father who brings his son to Jesus for healing in the Gospel of Mark..."Lord I believe, help my unbelief."